Time for a new church?

Woes

It looks like my time at my church is coming to an end.

I have always flourished at this church as deputy warden, member of the PCC, and licensed lay minister.

Not so my wife, who has always felt overlooked, ignored, invisible – and when she is noticed it is only to put her down.

But in the last 18 months she had finally found her feet. Our baby had given her an entrance into the children’s work, and she had risen to lead the crèche and two of the mid-week toddler groups, and these were bringing new people into the church. I would say it was the best church crèche in the town: not just a dumping ground to give the preacher some quiet but a ministry in its own right. The focus was on making children have a positive attitude to church and Christian things from the outset. There was a wide variety of new clean toys set out attractively. There was a teaching session for the older ones following a curriculum with feedback to parents. Fantastic.

All gone.

And partly my fault!

I was on the ‘vision team’ that said we should have a ‘Purpose Driven’ structure. So as part of that a Sunday School supervisor was appointed. His approach to management turns out to be highly autocratic bordering on fascist. And in two months he has reduced my wife from a confident happy fulfilled leader into a weeping wreck pushed to the sidelines.

Unable to face him, we arranged for the mum’s on the rota to handle the crèche one Sunday while we took a break at a breather different church – the first non-holiday Sunday we have been absent in 7 years. We even prepared the teaching material and set it all out in advance for them. We gave the official reason that she was resting owing to her arthritis, which had flared up to the extent of needing hospital treatment again.

Now, a month ago, my wife had asked for the Vicar to come round and pray over her arthritis. Nothing happened – he was too busy. But now, suddenly, after missing one Sunday – he was ringing on our door bell. Not to pray for the forgotten arthritis, but wanting to know what was going on. He doesn’t want us to leave the church – who knows what tales we might tell!

So it was an opportunity for my wife to tell him exactly how she has been feeling. I say exactly – it was a summary with many details, many crushing events, missed out.

Things should now improve, shouldn’t they?

No. He told her to some back to church but to continue her break. So, we set out the teaching materials as before, negotiating with the rota teachers during the week. I took our baby into the crèche in her absence. WHAATT? It had been completely re-organised. A high prison-like partition was introduced to separate age groups (hard for mums with two kids!). Our teaching materials were pushed to one side, and a new hurriedly prepared curriculum was imposed. The rota teachers were left out, and new teachers, many of whom have shown NO interest in helping before, were put in. Our wall posters were taken down. Was this care-taking while the leader was resting? No - it was a takeover coup!

Mrs has been told to rest for the rest of the month. The new Supervisor has been told that she IS coming back – and he looked taken aback and disappointed.

It emerges that he planned some elements of this with the Vicar beforehand, when he was offered the post. To be fair, I don’t think the Vicar fully knew what he was signing up to. But then it was partially his put-downs that set the scene for the new guy to continue disrespecting what my wife has built.

So how can she go back when her rest is over? How can she continue to work with people who have no confidence in her? How can she work with people who have destroyed in two weeks what she has spent years building? How can she work with a know-it-all man who knows little about crèche, and refuses to acknowledge her qualifications, skills and experience in this area? And would he even take her back as the recognised leader, or just as another mum?

Basically, she considers herself to have been, in effect, sacked.

For six years she has put up with the put-downs because she has seen me flourish in the church.

As her husband, I decree that it is time for a reversal. It’s time for her to flourish, even if I have to languish for a while.

The church still has a chance. It can reinstate her as pre-school leader and take this ministry out of the new guy’s jurisdiction. But if that doesn’t happen, there is no place for her in this church. And I don’t think it will happen.

I have always had a low opinion of people who move churches owing to a personality issue. Now I finally understand them. Apart form anything else, if I had to be in the same room as him I might end up behaving in a way that would shame the house of God.

Where next?

There is a rather strict Baptist church just at the end of our road, which I would find stifling. But it places a high priority on children’s work, so that looks the most likely.