Comfort in the Psalms

I have been full of hatred and bitterness over the whole thing, really angry with the people at the old church. And feeling unhappy and sinful and ‘away from God’ because of those feelings. Not wanting to pray. Not wanting to read scripture.

I resolved I had to make steps back towards God.

I tried to pray, but my mind wandered and I found myself cursing the old church people again. So I picked up the Bible and said

“Lord, I’m not going to read this as a holy horoscope, sticking a pin in to find your word for today. I’m going to read it as normal day-to-day bread and butter, to nourish my soul and build my strength and faith”. I then found myself reading that psalm about the rivers of Babylon. It was good – about trying to worship God in exile. Just how I felt. But it ends with dashing your enemies children against the rocks – and even I don’t feel THAT angry!

I looked at the next page and read psalm 143. Which I can’t remember here (I’m at the office and I’m supposed to be writing a design statement – but since I’ve finished that I don’t feel too guilty this time) but the gist of it falls into three themes: (1) Worshipping God in difficult times (2) seeking guidance for the path ahead and (3) vengeance on enemies. These are the three areas where I am struggling at present, and I was reading in a different version from usual. And God really spoke to me through it. I was not looking for God’s word – as I have shown above. But it came.

He relates to me in my current wilderness. He knows I want to know the future. And he knows that while I am not seeking retributive vengeance I am angry, hurt, upset. It was as if he was saying “Yes, I know. You’re allowed to feel like that. I even wrote a psalm specially for times like this”

I’m not explaining this very well. But I was comforted. I was able to let go of some things. The guilt about my feelings in particular. But I was also able to let go of some of the issues, placing them in the hand of a God who knows, and who cares, and who is fair (ultimately if not in the short term).

So I feel I have turned a corner. It’s still cloudy but I can see blue sky on the horizon. I have started to listen to Christian CDs again. I may even reach a stage where I feel I can minister again – while I felt I was in sin I could not do this. Of course there are no current opportunities to minister, but I don’t feel excluded from ministry by sin anymore.