Gloom

So we had a row.

Very Abbreviated ...

You're judgemental!You can't handle criticism!You're worse!
Your're selfish!No I'm not, you are!
Shall we start writing divorce papers!?

Of course there was a lot of evidence supplied by both parties to supposedly back up those accusations.

That was last Saturday.

Since then;
We have gone through the SILENCE stage
We have gone through the GRUNTS stage
We have gone through the EXCHANGE ONLY ESSENTIAL IFORMATION stage
We are in the SMALL TALK AVOIDING ISSUES stage

I can't take back what I said - I still believe it.

Likewise I think she still believes what she said. I don't think she was serious about the divorce, but who knows? She has said things like that several times before, but you can take that either way.

On sunday she dodn't come to church. In the afetrnoon she took the kids for a walk, explicitly without me. She has now booked a summer holiday for herself and the kids to deliberately exclude me, but she still expects me to drive her there and back. And similar stuff.

I find it very hard to initiate a serious conversation with her, whether for confession of my faults or for helping her to see her own, or for starting a reconciliation. The time is never right. the mood is never right. I can't think what to say. I'm scared of her reaction. And I simply don't have the guts. So we stare blankly at the telly and pretend to be tired. The elephant fills the room.

I have bought a blank card in which to write some conciliatory words. But I can't think what to write. 'Conciliatory' words lie. But the truth fans the flames.

I find her instensly frustrating. I sometimes wish I was free of her. I have given myself to her so much I don't know who I am anymore. I feel drowned. I almost felt the rustle of threatened divorce papers was like the rustle of the first refreshing breeze on a hot stagnant day.

But fundamentally, I love her deeply.

Partly because this is my role. My function. My calling as a Christian; a sacrificial servant.

But in fact, I do actually love her anyway.

What's the next step?