Photo credits

The Embalse de Riano in northern Spain. The picture was taken by .... me!

Friday, May 16

Futureless

In addition to being sad etc as per my previous post, I also find that I am now without a purpose and a future.

I used to be a mediocre engineer (with every younger engineer being promoted over me) making it through the day with the knowledge that this is not my true calling, just a stop-gap until I get ordained. Now my chances of ordination are rock bottom, and I don't know if I would want it even if it were available.

I don't fancy living out my days as a mediocre engineer.

I don't fancy retiring just so I can get my house in order and do my garden. What kind of selfish and empty life is that?

I don't want to get old and have a life that is wracked by pain and senility, with my children resentfully changing my soiled pants.

I don't want to go and join another church and gradually have to work my way up through the ranks again. What an exercise in futility!

O do want to get back into railway modelling and create a fantastic 1930's landscape in my attic with multiple layers of railway intersecting seamlessly with each other as trains travel around them in a perfect and accident-free timetable. But that would be a very selfish way to live. (see gardening, above)

But the trouble with not being selfish is that you live all the time for others and end up feeling squashed.

Basically, I don't know why I bother getting out of bed in the morning. The only reason I keep on with life is that it would be unfair on the wife and kids for me to give up on the practicalities of daily life.

So I have no future.

I have no hope.

I know that the scripture says: "For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 - the verse the Lord gave me once when I hospitalised my boss by accidentally stabbing him in the buttock with a pair of scissors). But I am still looking, with sore eyes, for that scripture to be fulfilled.

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