I find that my faith has, on an intellectual level, taken a real battering by my wife's teaching on Daniel's lions. If the story does not have at least a source in a literal story of a man being saved by God, if it is just an invention projected back on a King Arthur type figure, then it is of no value. It cannot say 'God saves people' if in fact he did not save on that occasion. It is a delusion.
So why do I still believe in Christ?
Because he speaks to me.
When I am at rock bottom, I call for an answer. And it comes. Not every time, but on the key moments. Not as an audible voice, but through other means. In the most recent case I was calling for deliverance from temptation, and received an email which said in summary "It depends what you really want". The temptation was very desirable, but the life I would have by resisting was better. It was the Word of God to me at that moment.
And I have had my moments of unexpected spiritual ecstasy. My moments of divinely inspired preaching.
And there is of course the fact that having been brought up as a Christian, I just don't know how to live as a person of no faith. I don't know how to behave day to day. I don't know how to live without the constant conversational prayers that involve Christ in my day-to-day.
Of course, these could all be just psychological.
But Rob Bell writes in Velvet Elvis that our faith should be one that can survive finding out that we were wrong on core doctrines. God is bigger than our transient theologies.
So my faith perseveres. Just. I have some evidence for it, and I don't know how to do without it. But my brain questions the faith and my logic for hanging on.
And I'm hoping to apply for ordination??!!??
Saturday, May 4
Thursday, May 2
It links back to dirty pictures
Blogger, this site's host, provides me with a very basic 'stats' facility that says where visitors to this site have come from.
It doesn't explain why on random days I get surges of visitors who have been referred to this blog from sites which - when I follow the back links - turn out to be full of naked men and women doing rude things to each other, which I find disturbing. OK, some of my posts do refer to sex usually in a theological context, but those are not the pages that the people have visited. The pages on my blog that they do go to seem to be quite mundane, boring and random, but there will be four times my usual daily total going to the same one on one day. In some weeks I have had more referrals from one of these sites than from Google.
So why?
Is my web site being abused by some malign net-criminal for his/her activities?
Or is God diverting people - in the course of their sins - to a place where they can read about his love and how he will help them to a better life if they will only let him?
It doesn't explain why on random days I get surges of visitors who have been referred to this blog from sites which - when I follow the back links - turn out to be full of naked men and women doing rude things to each other, which I find disturbing. OK, some of my posts do refer to sex usually in a theological context, but those are not the pages that the people have visited. The pages on my blog that they do go to seem to be quite mundane, boring and random, but there will be four times my usual daily total going to the same one on one day. In some weeks I have had more referrals from one of these sites than from Google.
So why?
Is my web site being abused by some malign net-criminal for his/her activities?
Or is God diverting people - in the course of their sins - to a place where they can read about his love and how he will help them to a better life if they will only let him?
Begging for comments
Please comment.
I've not had a comment for ages.
This either means I'm very boring, or that you've tried to tell me how wrong I am but for some reason the comment didn't get posted to me.
So, please make a comment, even if its just a single ".", so that I know the system is in working order.
I've not had a comment for ages.
This either means I'm very boring, or that you've tried to tell me how wrong I am but for some reason the comment didn't get posted to me.
So, please make a comment, even if its just a single ".", so that I know the system is in working order.
Wednesday, May 1
Just a test
I don't seem to be able to upload photos from my office computer. This is just a test of my home laptop.
Monday, April 29
Mrs mid-life crisis - the next installment.
Following our recent big row, my wife had come to terms with things and decided that maybe I was right; maybe we should stay in this area. In fact, there were indications of a vacancy on the PCC, and I arranged for her to get nominated. In fact, on that Sunday morning we heard that they short of people, so it sounded like a walk-in job.
However, she spent a lot of time preparing her ‘hustings’ speech, focussing on God’s concern for the marginalised in society.
We then found out that on that Sunday evening, the Vicar had gone round rounding up all the usual suspects – the ‘in crowd’- to stand for the PCC too.
So at the APCM there were 10 candidates for 6 vacancies.
Mrs’ speech was definitely the best in terms of content, but she came across as very nervous compared to all the others. It was her first time doing this kind of thing, whereas the others are all establishment figures who have been on the PCC before, and who probably didn’t really want to go on it again anyway, so they were much more relaxed.
You will have guessed by now that she didn’t get in. And that she has once again gone overboard with the sense of rejection. Obviously the nerves had a part to play, but it is hard to battle the conspiracy theory that the Vicar deliberately rounded up his favourites to keep her off the PCC.
So all the other crazy plans of selling up and moving away are back on the table.
I wish I had something sane and credible to offer her, but there really does seem to be nothing available to overcome the prejudices in the local church.
However, she spent a lot of time preparing her ‘hustings’ speech, focussing on God’s concern for the marginalised in society.
We then found out that on that Sunday evening, the Vicar had gone round rounding up all the usual suspects – the ‘in crowd’- to stand for the PCC too.
So at the APCM there were 10 candidates for 6 vacancies.
Mrs’ speech was definitely the best in terms of content, but she came across as very nervous compared to all the others. It was her first time doing this kind of thing, whereas the others are all establishment figures who have been on the PCC before, and who probably didn’t really want to go on it again anyway, so they were much more relaxed.
You will have guessed by now that she didn’t get in. And that she has once again gone overboard with the sense of rejection. Obviously the nerves had a part to play, but it is hard to battle the conspiracy theory that the Vicar deliberately rounded up his favourites to keep her off the PCC.
So all the other crazy plans of selling up and moving away are back on the table.
I wish I had something sane and credible to offer her, but there really does seem to be nothing available to overcome the prejudices in the local church.
Wednesday, April 17
People in Need
15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
She knocked on my door at about 9pm.
The above verse is very much in mind.
I have a big house, with lots of rooms. But they are all in use in one way or another. OK, it would be possible to make space.
But the young lady in question has a history of mental illness (schizophrenia I think) and drug abuse, which may both be related to her past involvement with 'New Age'-type religions, and I suspect that she is also what we might call 'Special educational needs'.
I can't handle her. I don't feel I have the skills to care for her. I don't have the time to care for myself, let alone others. I have to protect my family first.
She used to ask for me to pray for to be delivered of a spirit that was in her - the ghost of a World War II tank veteran.
She used to claim that Jesus had given her the gift on knowledge, and tell me all sorts of things about my life and family - sometimes uncannily close to the truth but inappropriate to be talking about. She reminded me of the slave girl that predicted the future in Acts 16:16-18
She got a job dishwashing at a cafe - 9am till 12 pm one day a week (unfortunately Sunday). One day she knocked on my door asking for a lift because she was late. I obliged happily enough. But that meant she came to depend on me, asking for lifts instead of setting her alarm clock earlier. I started to say no. So that is probably why she got sacked!
She started asking for money, for the bus, for cat food, etc. I started feeling that it was too much, she was using me rather than sorting herself out, and I started to Say no to this too. Not that it would stop her coming again!
So I really don't feel that I can take her in. I feel she will manipulate and abuse and may never leave.
Of course if it was a middle class woman, I would say yes, anything. So am I really just a snob? Our faith commands us to treat all as equals and not to despise anyone, and to accept being used. So I feel guilty for turning her away.
What would you do?
What would Jesus do?
What will I do? Well, I referred her to the Citizen's Advice Bureau. But I shouldn't stand alone in this. She is well known to the church, which has experience and access to other helping organisations. They will also check her story - has her benefit really been stopped? Will she not get other benefits instead? Will they really make a vulnerable woman with mental health issues homeless? I can help, without necessarily having to take her into my own home.
(But I still feel guilty)
She knocked on my door at about 9pm.
"I've had my incapacity benefit stopped and I've been sacked [from her dishwashing job at a cafe]. If it comes to it and I'm homeless, can I come and live in your house while I sort myself out?"
The above verse is very much in mind.
I have a big house, with lots of rooms. But they are all in use in one way or another. OK, it would be possible to make space.
But the young lady in question has a history of mental illness (schizophrenia I think) and drug abuse, which may both be related to her past involvement with 'New Age'-type religions, and I suspect that she is also what we might call 'Special educational needs'.
I can't handle her. I don't feel I have the skills to care for her. I don't have the time to care for myself, let alone others. I have to protect my family first.
She used to ask for me to pray for to be delivered of a spirit that was in her - the ghost of a World War II tank veteran.
She used to claim that Jesus had given her the gift on knowledge, and tell me all sorts of things about my life and family - sometimes uncannily close to the truth but inappropriate to be talking about. She reminded me of the slave girl that predicted the future in Acts 16:16-18
She got a job dishwashing at a cafe - 9am till 12 pm one day a week (unfortunately Sunday). One day she knocked on my door asking for a lift because she was late. I obliged happily enough. But that meant she came to depend on me, asking for lifts instead of setting her alarm clock earlier. I started to say no. So that is probably why she got sacked!
She started asking for money, for the bus, for cat food, etc. I started feeling that it was too much, she was using me rather than sorting herself out, and I started to Say no to this too. Not that it would stop her coming again!
So I really don't feel that I can take her in. I feel she will manipulate and abuse and may never leave.
Of course if it was a middle class woman, I would say yes, anything. So am I really just a snob? Our faith commands us to treat all as equals and not to despise anyone, and to accept being used. So I feel guilty for turning her away.
What would you do?
What would Jesus do?
What will I do? Well, I referred her to the Citizen's Advice Bureau. But I shouldn't stand alone in this. She is well known to the church, which has experience and access to other helping organisations. They will also check her story - has her benefit really been stopped? Will she not get other benefits instead? Will they really make a vulnerable woman with mental health issues homeless? I can help, without necessarily having to take her into my own home.
(But I still feel guilty)
Tuesday, April 16
Sunday: Humble pie
I had spent Saturday afternoon babysitting while Mrs went upstairs to catch up on her MA essays, but it turned out that all she wrote was an essay on my sins for the past 24 years. On Sunday she wanted me to stay of church so that she could read it to me.
Now obviously there were points where she had got it wrong, but overall she raised some vary god points, and I was able to understand some of her deep hurts for the first time – things that I had been doing, thinking and intending they were for her good but which actually had the opposite effect.
Very large dose of humble pie.
So the short term practical outcome is that I have killed our plans for the future – though this is where I was probably technically correct. The long term outcome is that I will change the way I behave and talk
Now obviously there were points where she had got it wrong, but overall she raised some vary god points, and I was able to understand some of her deep hurts for the first time – things that I had been doing, thinking and intending they were for her good but which actually had the opposite effect.
Very large dose of humble pie.
So the short term practical outcome is that I have killed our plans for the future – though this is where I was probably technically correct. The long term outcome is that I will change the way I behave and talk
Saturday: Massive row with wife.
Saturday morning. It blew out of nowhere. One minute happily sharing a really nice breakfast in a café discussing plans for the future in the first warm sun of the year, then within 30 seconds I was being threatened with divorce.
In fact, time will show that on a superficial level I was technically correct in my particular comment, but it exposed an attitude which touched a very deep raw nerve and decades of pent up frustration exploded in an instant.
In fact, time will show that on a superficial level I was technically correct in my particular comment, but it exposed an attitude which touched a very deep raw nerve and decades of pent up frustration exploded in an instant.
Friday: Mum’s Funeral
Mum’s funeral was a lovely service. She was honoured by all. The content and tone of the hymns, tributes and sermon focussed on the certain hope of the resurrection.
Minor comments:
The eulogy that I provided got lost in the email ether so now people think that I didn’t think enough of my Mum to do a eulogy.
One tribute said “She was a ‘Great Christian Lady’ and there’s not many of those left” – which I feel was rather an insult to the ladies present in the congregation.
My brother’s tribute was excellent – he is really talented at these things.
My brother in law read an often-heard psalm in a way that really brought it to life in a new way for me.
Minor comments:
The eulogy that I provided got lost in the email ether so now people think that I didn’t think enough of my Mum to do a eulogy.
One tribute said “She was a ‘Great Christian Lady’ and there’s not many of those left” – which I feel was rather an insult to the ladies present in the congregation.
My brother’s tribute was excellent – he is really talented at these things.
My brother in law read an often-heard psalm in a way that really brought it to life in a new way for me.
Thursday: Alton towers
Took my daughter and boyfriend to Alton Towers for her 18th last week. There was a power cut, so none of the rides were on and she couldn’t even buy food because all the tills had also needed power. She tied to phone us to pick her up, but we had gone to the nearby Dales and had no reception, so she was trapped. She says there was a near riot, and many people left early. So when the power finally came on in the afternoon, she managed to go on most of the rides she wanted with minimal queues. And she had already given in her details to claim a compensatory free entry in summer. So it worked out to the good in the end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)